You are making me new...

This song is my story for now, and hopefully always.

For months, years even, I haven't felt right. For a while, I did a pretty good job (if I do say so myself) of hiding it though. To everyone, I was ok. Finishing high school, two pages of activities on my resume, achievements, starting college, "loving it". I did. I loved it. But I wasn't completely happy. Uncontrollably, I would have bad days. Friends would notice I wasn't "acting myself" and ask what was wrong. Unfortunately, and annoyingly at times, I wouldn't have an answer for my drab emotions. I had no reason to be upset, but I was.

The straightforward and brutally honest friends told me I needed to count my blessings and snap out of it. This frustrated me. Did they really think I wanted to be sad? (The answer is no, if you weren't sure. The last thing I wanted was to be sad for no reason.) I had been trying for months to "snap out of it". It wasn't working. The friends that comforted me most suggested I get help. To talk to someone. To me, this sounded like the most practical solution but I was afraid to speak up. I knew something was wrong, but I didn't want the attention that would likely come with trying to solve it. I didn't want to have to explain my feelings to a doctor, much less a therapist. I didn't want that attention.

I tried to brush off my friend's suggestions for a few weeks. Telling myself the same thing I had been telling myself for months. "It will get better. Just keep toughing it out."

One night I was texting my dad. (This doesn't happen often) I suddenly got the urge to tell him that friends had expressed concern for me. To my surprise, he agreed and said depression was common in people my age and that treatment was simple.

Whew.

I had finally told someone about my burden. What a relief.

One thing led to another, and I was in a doctor's office spilling what seemed like everything... All the way back to my sophomore year in high school. I learned that what I was experiencing wasn't uncommon at all. I have a neurological chemical imbalance that causes these unexplained, uncontrollable sad days, weeks, months... With medicine, this could be fixed. Horray.

Now, I've been on this medicine for depression for about three weeks. I am noticing changes in myself. Medicine amazes me. I still have sad moments, but certainly not sad days. A tiny bit of me is confused, uneasy, etc.. (I can't quite identify these feelings) that my body has to depend on medicine to make it un-sad. "Un-sad" because the medicine doesn't necessarily make me happy... It just does a pretty good job of not letting me be sad. It also does a good job of making me nauseous, and super sleepy - which makes me yawn on the regs. Oh well.

Through this lack-of-sad, I am being made new. Through my friends reaching out, realizing I wasn't "ok", and encouraging me to do something about it, I am being made new. Because the Lord promises joy in the morning & I'm finally up from my slumber, I am being made new. I am un-sad for a majority of the time. This is new to me, honestly.

I humbly ask for prayer through this season of understanding, change, and joy.

All around,hope is springing up from this old groundOut of chaos life is being found, in You 

You make beautiful thingsYou make beautiful things out of the dustYou make beautiful thingsYou make beautiful things out of us

Be blessed.
G

Summer, summer..

"You can make many plans, 

but the Lord's purpose will prevail." 

Proverbs 19:21

I am not as good at this blog thing as I thought I would be...

Here I am, on May 29, 2012 at 10:40-ish in the morning, laying on the couch. Six months ago I had a completely different idea of what I would be doing right now. In what I later learned was out of over-confident ignorance, I planned on being on Summer Staff at Camp Capers this summer. I would be moved into Steve's Hall, participating in Staff Week festivities and getting ready for all the precious campers to arrive. Unfortunately though, as a 4:55pm call on a Monday in February from Brian revealed, that would not be the case. I remember the specifics of that call because I foolishly answered the phone as I was sitting in a lecture hall, waiting for my 5pm class to begin. Silly me, I was expecting a different conversation to take place. I sat through the class, doodling more than taking notes, then walked back to my apartment in the rain, which was good because it hid my tears. Soon, Danny, my bff at Texas State would arrive at my apartment and I just cried and cried... props to Danny for dealing with my emotional self. I didn't understand at that point. The elevator in my heart went from floor 34 to 2 in a matter of minutes.

In the meantime, I continued to paint and ended up making an account on Etsy to sell my paintings to people, strangers, from all over. This kept me pretty busy, and gave me an outlet to do something I enjoy and take my mind off everything else. This "hobby" has proved to be successful. I still have a pretty regular list of orders to fill.

As the semester came to a close and I realized that for the first time in 19 years I didn't have the slightest idea of what I would be doing that summer, I decided I needed to pick myself up and find something to fulfill me. Through a friend, I heard of an internship opportunity in San Antonio with the communications department at an energy company. I would be working with the corporate photographer and other employees in the department. I applied, found housing (SO thankful for my great friends and their families), and obtained an interview date for the position. Two days before the interview, I received another call that would change my plans again. The position could no longer be filled due to financial problems. Bummer.

So, the semester ended, with my grades lower than ever before in my college career and I had no idea what I would be doing for the next three months. For some, this may not be a problem, but I was having a hard time being "ok" with it. I packed up my apartment and with the help of my parents, I have moved home to Dripping Springs for now.

I continue to paint, have applied for numerous lifeguarding jobs, and have been offered a few internship/side jobs/housesitting opportunities. Yes, there are options for this summer. Now I have to decided where I need to be. Things are looking up, just not in the way I expected they would be. I know God is and will teach me something in all of this.

For now, I have an interview at Schlitterbahn tomorrow, I have five paintings to complete, and I'm lifeguarding at an end of the year party on Thursday.

Each day I'm becoming more and more "ok" with the fact that I'm not spending my summer in Waring. I'm happy for the staff that is getting the opportunity to grow and be challenged in the same, and different ways, that I have in the past. Great things will happen because of the staff's faith, community and willingness to serve others in Christ's name.

I'm done for now.. this is where I stand for now..
I'll fill you in on the rest later!

Besos, Grace

PS. This was freaking long, I know. But it is good to write my thoughts, trials, and celebrations. You don't have to care, but this is good for me.

Poor, neglected blog...

I'm back! I haven't forgotten about this blog deal, I have just been so busy!

I have been living in San Marcos for a little over two weeks now and am loving every aspect of it. I love living alone in my apartment. It lets me to have the alone time that my personality desires, and allows me to have friends over whenever I please. I'm still decorating and getting all my furniture together, but I'm really enjoying my living situation here.

I am finding it very evident that I am incredibly blessed with some great friends. They have helped with the transition to a new town and school, have hung out with me during my down time, been shopping with me, bought my lunch, eaten my dinner, laughed and cried with me... So much has happened in the short time I've been here. They know who they are and they're great.

My classes are going well. I don't like going to class at 8am though. Luckily it's only two days a week and I'll get over it. I don't have any classes on Friday, so thats nice.

I'm not sure where I'll end up attending church. So many great Episcopal churches are in the area! St. Marks in San Marcos, St. Stephen's in Wimberley, and St. John's in New Braunsfels. I attended a dinner and service at Christ Chapel (campus ministry) last week. It was nice, but will take some time to warm up to. Its a great group of people for sure, I just don't know them yet.

I'm going to hit the hay soon... I still haven't figured out the bus system, so I have a 20 minute walk to my 8am class tomorrow. Maybe I'll post more tomorrow during my break between classes.

Goodnight friends, be blessed!