You are making me new...

This song is my story for now, and hopefully always.

For months, years even, I haven't felt right. For a while, I did a pretty good job (if I do say so myself) of hiding it though. To everyone, I was ok. Finishing high school, two pages of activities on my resume, achievements, starting college, "loving it". I did. I loved it. But I wasn't completely happy. Uncontrollably, I would have bad days. Friends would notice I wasn't "acting myself" and ask what was wrong. Unfortunately, and annoyingly at times, I wouldn't have an answer for my drab emotions. I had no reason to be upset, but I was.

The straightforward and brutally honest friends told me I needed to count my blessings and snap out of it. This frustrated me. Did they really think I wanted to be sad? (The answer is no, if you weren't sure. The last thing I wanted was to be sad for no reason.) I had been trying for months to "snap out of it". It wasn't working. The friends that comforted me most suggested I get help. To talk to someone. To me, this sounded like the most practical solution but I was afraid to speak up. I knew something was wrong, but I didn't want the attention that would likely come with trying to solve it. I didn't want to have to explain my feelings to a doctor, much less a therapist. I didn't want that attention.

I tried to brush off my friend's suggestions for a few weeks. Telling myself the same thing I had been telling myself for months. "It will get better. Just keep toughing it out."

One night I was texting my dad. (This doesn't happen often) I suddenly got the urge to tell him that friends had expressed concern for me. To my surprise, he agreed and said depression was common in people my age and that treatment was simple.

Whew.

I had finally told someone about my burden. What a relief.

One thing led to another, and I was in a doctor's office spilling what seemed like everything... All the way back to my sophomore year in high school. I learned that what I was experiencing wasn't uncommon at all. I have a neurological chemical imbalance that causes these unexplained, uncontrollable sad days, weeks, months... With medicine, this could be fixed. Horray.

Now, I've been on this medicine for depression for about three weeks. I am noticing changes in myself. Medicine amazes me. I still have sad moments, but certainly not sad days. A tiny bit of me is confused, uneasy, etc.. (I can't quite identify these feelings) that my body has to depend on medicine to make it un-sad. "Un-sad" because the medicine doesn't necessarily make me happy... It just does a pretty good job of not letting me be sad. It also does a good job of making me nauseous, and super sleepy - which makes me yawn on the regs. Oh well.

Through this lack-of-sad, I am being made new. Through my friends reaching out, realizing I wasn't "ok", and encouraging me to do something about it, I am being made new. Because the Lord promises joy in the morning & I'm finally up from my slumber, I am being made new. I am un-sad for a majority of the time. This is new to me, honestly.

I humbly ask for prayer through this season of understanding, change, and joy.

All around,hope is springing up from this old groundOut of chaos life is being found, in You 

You make beautiful thingsYou make beautiful things out of the dustYou make beautiful thingsYou make beautiful things out of us

Be blessed.
G

Summer, summer..

"You can make many plans, 

but the Lord's purpose will prevail." 

Proverbs 19:21

I am not as good at this blog thing as I thought I would be...

Here I am, on May 29, 2012 at 10:40-ish in the morning, laying on the couch. Six months ago I had a completely different idea of what I would be doing right now. In what I later learned was out of over-confident ignorance, I planned on being on Summer Staff at Camp Capers this summer. I would be moved into Steve's Hall, participating in Staff Week festivities and getting ready for all the precious campers to arrive. Unfortunately though, as a 4:55pm call on a Monday in February from Brian revealed, that would not be the case. I remember the specifics of that call because I foolishly answered the phone as I was sitting in a lecture hall, waiting for my 5pm class to begin. Silly me, I was expecting a different conversation to take place. I sat through the class, doodling more than taking notes, then walked back to my apartment in the rain, which was good because it hid my tears. Soon, Danny, my bff at Texas State would arrive at my apartment and I just cried and cried... props to Danny for dealing with my emotional self. I didn't understand at that point. The elevator in my heart went from floor 34 to 2 in a matter of minutes.

In the meantime, I continued to paint and ended up making an account on Etsy to sell my paintings to people, strangers, from all over. This kept me pretty busy, and gave me an outlet to do something I enjoy and take my mind off everything else. This "hobby" has proved to be successful. I still have a pretty regular list of orders to fill.

As the semester came to a close and I realized that for the first time in 19 years I didn't have the slightest idea of what I would be doing that summer, I decided I needed to pick myself up and find something to fulfill me. Through a friend, I heard of an internship opportunity in San Antonio with the communications department at an energy company. I would be working with the corporate photographer and other employees in the department. I applied, found housing (SO thankful for my great friends and their families), and obtained an interview date for the position. Two days before the interview, I received another call that would change my plans again. The position could no longer be filled due to financial problems. Bummer.

So, the semester ended, with my grades lower than ever before in my college career and I had no idea what I would be doing for the next three months. For some, this may not be a problem, but I was having a hard time being "ok" with it. I packed up my apartment and with the help of my parents, I have moved home to Dripping Springs for now.

I continue to paint, have applied for numerous lifeguarding jobs, and have been offered a few internship/side jobs/housesitting opportunities. Yes, there are options for this summer. Now I have to decided where I need to be. Things are looking up, just not in the way I expected they would be. I know God is and will teach me something in all of this.

For now, I have an interview at Schlitterbahn tomorrow, I have five paintings to complete, and I'm lifeguarding at an end of the year party on Thursday.

Each day I'm becoming more and more "ok" with the fact that I'm not spending my summer in Waring. I'm happy for the staff that is getting the opportunity to grow and be challenged in the same, and different ways, that I have in the past. Great things will happen because of the staff's faith, community and willingness to serve others in Christ's name.

I'm done for now.. this is where I stand for now..
I'll fill you in on the rest later!

Besos, Grace

PS. This was freaking long, I know. But it is good to write my thoughts, trials, and celebrations. You don't have to care, but this is good for me.

Poor, neglected blog...

I'm back! I haven't forgotten about this blog deal, I have just been so busy!

I have been living in San Marcos for a little over two weeks now and am loving every aspect of it. I love living alone in my apartment. It lets me to have the alone time that my personality desires, and allows me to have friends over whenever I please. I'm still decorating and getting all my furniture together, but I'm really enjoying my living situation here.

I am finding it very evident that I am incredibly blessed with some great friends. They have helped with the transition to a new town and school, have hung out with me during my down time, been shopping with me, bought my lunch, eaten my dinner, laughed and cried with me... So much has happened in the short time I've been here. They know who they are and they're great.

My classes are going well. I don't like going to class at 8am though. Luckily it's only two days a week and I'll get over it. I don't have any classes on Friday, so thats nice.

I'm not sure where I'll end up attending church. So many great Episcopal churches are in the area! St. Marks in San Marcos, St. Stephen's in Wimberley, and St. John's in New Braunsfels. I attended a dinner and service at Christ Chapel (campus ministry) last week. It was nice, but will take some time to warm up to. Its a great group of people for sure, I just don't know them yet.

I'm going to hit the hay soon... I still haven't figured out the bus system, so I have a 20 minute walk to my 8am class tomorrow. Maybe I'll post more tomorrow during my break between classes.

Goodnight friends, be blessed!

Wrapping up 2011...

Sorry it's been so long since my last post. Being home has kept me busy with friends, family and packing up things to move into my apartment on January 12! I've been very blessed so far this break with time with my family and friends.

What a year 2011 was! Countless hours on art projects and studying for my 18 hour course load occupied much of my time from January-May at Sam Houston State University. I was enjoying my time in Huntsville, but knew there was something missing or that didn't feel right. I couldn't put my finger on it, but I knew something needed to change for me to be completely content in college. Half way through the semester I found out I had been hired as the photographer at Camp Capers. My dream for years had finally been fulfilled! I would be spending my entire summer at my favorite place on the planet, with my best friends. Little did I know, I'd meet some people that summer whose friendship I don't anticipate ever loosing.

A few days after I came home from Huntsville for the summer, my Opa passed away. This was a completely unexpected and sudden death. It still hurts my heart to think about, as this was my first family death to deal with. God had this all in his plan though, because I would start my summer with some of the strongest people I know the day after Opa's funeral. I had an incredible support system to help through the grief. So may tears, prayers and memories were shared with some of my close friends at Camp. I am blessed to have been able to be there to deal with it.

Aside from this, I had an amazing summer at Camp Capers. I got to do what I love (take photos) at the place I love, with the people I love. I met new people and got to share Camp with them. I smile when I think about my summer. I have so many memories (and even more photos) to hold on from my three months spent there. I had a few discussions with various staff members about Sam Houston and I realized I didn't belong there. With the (jokingly at the time) encouragement from the staff director, I started looking into transferring to a different college during my time off at Camp. I decided to apply to transfer to Texas State University for the Spring semester. Texas State has a great program in Communication Design and is back in my home diocese, with many friends either there or very close. I applied and waited... In the mean time, the summer came to a close and I would be heading back to Huntsville for (hopefully) my last semester at Sam Houston.

I knew my grades were good enough to get into Texas State, so I went into the semester with the thought that I would definitely be transferring in the Spring. This didn't keep me from making new friends or being involved though. I was a Peer Mentor for the freshmen in my dorm and spent countless hours at the Episcopal Student Center. I made some wonderful friends at the ESC who I will miss so much. Clearly, God had that in the plans too. I lost my great grandma, Nano, in September. She was 101 years old and had lived a great life. It was tough to say goodbye, but I know she has a well deserved spot in Heaven. I kept up with my grades and came out of the semester with a 3.25 and some amazing friends who were the hardest thing to leave in Huntsville. After waiting and waiting... I finally received the official word of acceptance to Texas State for the Spring. I eventually had to break the news to my ESC friends (I dreaded it...) but they were happy for me.

Now I'm home. Packing up my room to move into my apartment I'll be living in in San Marcos in January. I've applied to work at Camp Capers again this summer and I'll be working all three Mid Winter camps there in January. I have also applied to work at the diocese's camp at Mustang Island for Spring Break. I'm really looking forward to 2012. I know there are lots of good things in store for me! I must remember to rely on God and seek him in all circumstances!

I hope you've had a great year and I pray for God's blessings for you in the new year!

Near the end of a chapter..

I'm sitting outside for a little while before I go study a bit more for my last final exam at Sam Houston. It's kind of muggy out. Grey sky. Some precipitation. A little chilly, a little not. I have some Jon McLaughlin in my ears and a bottle of water at my side. My music is just loud enough to hear a soft murmur from the conversations being held around me. From this morning perch, I can see people walking to and from campus. People rushing, talking, hugging, driving, on the phone, looking at exam reviews... Everyone going about their own business in perfect harmony. In 24 hours, everything will be said and done for my time here at Sam Houston State. My grades will be in, my goodbye's will have been said, and I will be packing everything into the car to head back to Dripping Springs for the Christmas break.

I guess it's good to soak up whats around you, while it is. Each day presents us different scenes - different things to observe, learn from, and hold on to. Today, I'll hold on to these memories. For now, I should go look over my Political Science review though. I think I'll change location for that. Soak up my surroundings somewhere else.

God is the great artist, His masterpieces are everywhere we are. Look for them, and enjoy His details.
Be blessed today!
Grace

Here's what I'll miss about being in Huntsville...

I'll start by saying that I am looking forward to transferring to Texas State so much. I know it's going to be a great opportunity and experience. Lately though, it has hit me that I will be leaving Huntsville in a few days short of two weeks and there are many great things that I will miss when I'm gone...

1. I'll miss the tall pine trees. Growing up in the Austin area/Hill Country, there weren't "piney woods". There are oak and cedar trees there. I remember falling in love with the tall, beautiful pine trees that thrive in this area of Texas the first time I took a trip to Sam Houston to visit.

2. I will miss the relationships, people and events that happened at the Episcopal Student Center here on campus. I can not begin to express how thankful I am for the great people and memories I have shared there this semester. I sincerely regret not being more involved at the ESC during my Freshman year. Our cooking experiments, late nights hanging out at the ESC (talking about everything under the sun), staying up until 4am when the Donut Wheel opened, me loosing my keys and having to search every corner of the town just to end up finding them in the couch cushion the next morning, the dedication to the center from Rosemary, Bob, Jim and Mary, the Eucharist services on Wednesday evenings (and our terribly contagious giggle fits), Thursday game nights, post-it noting.... cars? (I didn't just admit to that. Covey, if you stumble upon this post, I don't know what happened to your truck.. it couldn't have been us.) The list goes on... I will cherish the friends I made at the ESC this semester and miss them immensely.

3. I will miss the friends I made in the Bearkat Learning Community during my Freshman year. Our family dinners were always something to laugh about. Rides in the Grace-mobile, field trips to WalMart and Target and Jennifer's routine in the car (A/C, radio, doors locked...). I am so lucky to have been in an environment that fostered friendships during my first year at SHSU. Jen, Katie, Olga, Carolanne, Charnise, Whitney... I'm looking forward to our "Last Supper" later this week.

4. Finally, I'll miss the fact that I had to go through College Station to get to and from school/home. This gave me an excuse to see my Aggie friends. They know who they are and how much they mean to me. I'll miss being able to stop and have Spoons or coffee on my way through Aggieland.

I'm sure as I become settled at Texas State in January, I'll realize that there are more things that I miss about Sam Houston than just this. For now, this is what I anticipate. I am looking forward to great new experiences in San Marcos and I am blessed to have such supportive friends and family to help along the way.

Anticipating change,
Grace

Remembering to...

Today, I choose to remember and thank God for the blessings in my life and the fact that they outweigh any struggles that try to bring me down. Yes, thats really tough to do sometimes. Sometimes I just want to curl up and cry. I must remember that my strength is in Him, my creator, though. But I must admit, sometimes I DO curl up and cry. Only for a bit. Then I pick myself up and move on...

I'm learning to put my trust in the Lord and lean on him more than I lean on my own understanding. It is so much easier said than done. Oh well, I'm learning.

Basically, the last few days have been emotionally exhausting to me and I just need to remember to hold on for the bumpy ride and trust that there will be smooth pavement ahead.

This post isn't organized, there are probably typos, and I'm not looking to be published. I just needed to "word vomit". So, thanks for listening... I suppose.

I humbly ask that you pray for me where you see fit.
With love, from the wet town of Huntsville,
Grace